# Pastebin hwv9jWrU heya 2:51 PM http://topia.wikidot.com/dellieicious 2:51 PM here's the draft 2:51 PM cool; i'll do some line-by-line along the way 2:51 PM sure thing 2:51 PM oh, did you apply the LBL concerns diana raised up? 2:52 PM because it still says "Any witnesses to the SCP-5986", which i believe they brought up 2:52 PM oh heck, i did, I just didn't click "save" yet, lol 2:52 PM Should be alright now 2:53 PM gotcha 2:53 PM > Any witnesses to SCP-5986 are to be amnesticized 2:54 PM alright, this is a minor point, but since foundation personnel aren't being amnesticized, it should be worth clarifying that this is talking about civilian witnesses? 2:55 PM hmm, maybe? Ive always thought "witnesses" kind of assumed it'd be non-foundation 2:55 PM but I'll clarify it anyways 2:55 PM ultimately, it's a nitpick 2:55 PM if you don't want to, i have no problem with you not clarifying as such 2:57 PM alrighty 2:57 PM > amatuer 2:57 PM amateur 2:58 PM ooo good catch 3:03 PM alright, i've finished. 3:04 PM give me a couple to collate my thoughts. 3:04 PM Sure 3:07 PM overall, this was a nice, whimsical little story, and i quite enjoyed it. if i had to give one, minor complaint here, is that the tone on the last letter feels a /little/ wonky and tonally weird. it was sorta teetering between being passive-aggressive and sincere, and i think like, in terms of delivery it could be made a little bit more straightforward. 3:08 PM to clarify, the first half feels a bit passive-aggressive (especially with the whole "now you'll have to settle with food with calories" thing), and the second half felt more sincere 3:09 PM just so i can get what you're going for, can you describe what tone you're shooting for, so that i can see what could be more appropriate for the kind of story you're going for? 3:10 PM jeez, a lot of those clauses started with "for", lol 3:11 PM For the last letter, I was trying to go with something a bit agressive to the foundation, since they're the ones who put Millie out of business, then sincere to all her potential customers 3:11 PM not sure if that worked too well 3:12 PM hmm, i think that's the case for me, partially because the aggression towards the foundation and the politeness towards potential customers feels a tad bit synonymous? 3:13 PM the sorta-aggression which comes with the main anomaly here also feels weird when compared with the fairly genuine politeness of the company 3:14 PM like, a baby starts loudly advertising to you. that seems like something a corporation who's not afraid to annoy or bewilder some potential customers with their techniques 3:14 PM True, true 3:15 PM hmm, ill edit it a little 3:15 PM which is why part of me is wondering if you could... sorta lean more into that passive-aggressive nature 3:15 PM the genuine nature of the blog post and the aggressive nature of the advertisements in this regard kinda clash with one another in a strange way 3:17 PM I edited it to be more passive agressive 3:17 PM can you take a look? 3:17 PM let me se 3:17 PM *see 3:18 PM see, i think the tone is a lot more definite than it was before, but i still have my problems with the candy shop being quite polite and nice and the advertising being... pretty opposed to that 3:19 PM it's a tough balance to strike 3:22 PM I think them only getting really angry after they have to close makes sense 3:22 PM yeah 3:23 PM Do you like the article overall? 3:23 PM though, i'm also thinking about the original anomaly: the loud, male voice, and the diction you used sorta makes it feel... weirdly unfit for a quaint candy shop 3:23 PM ultimately, i do like it overall, and would most likely upvote 3:25 PM Ah, yeah, I kind of just wanted to give it that old-timey ad feel tbh 3:25 PM and a loud male voice coming from a baby is funny to me lol 3:26 PM yeah, and me too 3:26 PM thank you for takin a look! 3:26 PM just, how it fits with the narrative is a tiny bit tenuous 3:26 PM and, no problem. thank you for your patience