# Pastebin gobopjjB ---- INTROS ---- Hello Portlands! Begin the day with a friendly voice, here on the Foghorn. Happy holidays, Portlands! 'Tis the season to listen to the Foghorn. ---- STATION ID ---- Three Portland's own public radio station, entirely unaffiliated with NPR following the //incident//. Your local public radio in Three Portlands. And only in Three Portlands. If you are hearing this outside of Three Portlands, something has gone terribly wrong. Public radio for Three Portlands, bringing you local news and culture whether we want to or not. Three Portlands' public radio, now broadcasting from within your own head. Three Portlands please send help, I'm trapped in a public radio station. The number one radio station in Three Portlands, as rated by a survey of local public radio personnel. Probably a public radio station in Three Portlands, but don't quote me on that. [Numbers.] ---- NEWS IDEAS ---- Rogue scrap golem escapes from the Reconstruction Minor reality restructuring event in the periphery results in 5 Ways collapsing, several injuries Anderson Robotics breaks ground on new expansion, despite the disappearance of CEO Vincent Anderson and the death of COO Albert Frostman City telecom provider Asterism Communications partners with the Church of Maxwellism to add 7 more Aethernet relays throughout Three Portlands City alderman and prominent anartist accused of plaigarism City council proposes new regulations on public exploiting 4th biannual intercollegiate occult games between ICSUT and Alexylva Shapeshifting identity thief finally caught Public hearing to discuss new zoning measures meant to take advantage of unused spatial dimensions Mayor unilaterally raises fines for serial littering Public park spontaneously gains a duck pond, complete with live rubber ducks Rubber snapping turtles appear in public park and begin preying on the rubber duck population City cemetery not haunted enough, according to reputable parapsychologists Feral gelatinous blob population continues to grow physically larger, despite shrinking numbers due to animal control programs First snowfall of the winter brings a wave of animate snowman attacks Angry poltergeists unleashed after shipment of Ghostlights shatters Festivus pole outside City Hall catches fire for the third year in a row Time travelling retrorock band "A Time After Then" performs their farewell tour 50 years before their formation Local psychic arrested after assaulting acquaintance with a swarm of bees Senior prank at ICSUT causes rains of iced coffee over a five block radius Federal court rules that Saker androids do not qualify as legal persons, and therefore cannot possess US citizenship UIU arrests 14 on charges of smuggling and selling illegal demonarcotics "Siberian Zeitgeists", latest painting by famous Portlands anartist B. Vlandersloon, sells for 1.5 million dollars at auction Manna Charitable Foundation receives anonymous donation of 1.4 million dollars Annual Portlands Unity parade gets lost en route to City Hall, delays festivities by two hours Historic Limelight Hotel nears deconceptualization 50th anniversary celebrations of J. Edgar Hoover's death draw protest from UIU; City council responds with a faxed image of an obscene gesture Vincent Anderon still missing, despite rumors of his reappearance Permanent population reaches a record high, as fears of a new occult war grow Mayor expands city limits in preparation for additional housing Rosewater District placed under quaratine as St. Hedwig's Hospital is overwhelmed by cases of memetic cold Alderman Steven McClure loses re-election bid to his clone, Stephen McClure City council approves petition to convert Immemorial Fountain into a chocolate fondue fountain; new partisan divide forms over the question of milk or dark chocolate Chocolate fountain proposal indefinitely suspended after white chocolate supporters refuse to vote, preventing quorum Annual hat contest ends in tragedy; 3 reported dead following catastrophic headgear failure Golemancy United goes on strike, golems continue working regardless UIU arrests leaders of GU strike after they begin smashing police golems Unseasonal Festivus pole materializes outside City Hall, promptly catches fire Local citizen succeeds in punching someone through the Internet ---- AD IDEAS ---- Manna Charitable Foundation pledge drive UIU recruiment campaign Anderson Robotics advertisement Save the unicorns campaign ---- NOTES ---- [United States Domestic Security Protection Court rules that Saker androids do not, by default, qualify as legal persons, and therefore cannot possess US citizenship, in the process creating the Caldwell test as a legal standard for personhood: "In regards to the individual, the appearance of sapience is insufficient in determining personhood; rather, it is the ability to evolve beyond the constraints of the mind's initial parameters, to act outside or even against pre-programmed directives and instinctive desires, which must be considered when asking if an artificial being can be considered a person in their own right."]