# Pastebin gdNrkp3e 12:42 PM http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/aurvitmar 12:42 PM ⇐ whyzhong quit (~wei@CD6FE3F8:3D75EB5:227F9194:IP) Ping timeout: 181 seconds 12:42 PM Anybody willing to crit a 2.8k draft? 12:43 PM <•barredowl> just for posterity, may i log this so that if you want to, you can look back at the crit, Aurvitmar? 12:43 PM this conversation, i mean 12:43 PM sure but where? 12:43 PM Oh sure 12:43 PM <•barredowl> i'll just copy-paste the conversation and put it in a pastebin 12:43 PM anyway, continuing 12:43 PM > two 30 minutes break 12:43 PM two 30 minute breaks 12:43 PM preferably, i would put a hyphen in between "30" and "minute" 12:44 PM oh ok 12:45 PM <•barredowl> > researcher Scullion 12:45 PM capitalize "researcher" 12:45 PM oke will do 12:45 PM sorry that I missed that 12:46 PM <•barredowl> no worries ^^ 12:47 PM When questioned SCP-XXXX immediately confessed being from another universe 12:47 PM i would change this to: 12:48 PM > When questioned, SCP-XXXX immediately confessed to being from another universe 12:48 PM ok 12:48 PM <•barredowl> > Is that okey? 12:48 PM okey --> okay, i believe 12:48 PM ah 12:49 PM <•barredowl> > an identical person exist in my universe. 12:49 PM exist --> exists 12:49 PM ahh 12:51 PM <•barredowl> > SCP-XXXX's research commences under Foundation monitoring 12:51 PM just noting, this is the only note in the table which doesn't have punctuation at the end. all the others do 12:51 PM eh 12:51 PM oh 12:52 PM Im sorry for all the incorrektions 12:52 PM <•barredowl> > When question about this SCP-XXXX claims to suspect a connection between these items and SCP-XXXX-A. 12:52 PM reword to: 12:53 PM > When questioned about this, SCP-XXXX claims to suspect a connection between these items and SCP-XXXX-A. 12:54 PM > SCP-XXXX requests to be released from containment for the duration of one month in order to "Explore the world". 12:54 PM de-capitalize "explore" 12:59 PM > This is a excerpt 1:00 PM "a excerpt" -> "the excerpt" 1:00 PM no wait, sorry 1:00 PM "a excerpt" -> "an excerpt" 1:00 PM ah 1:02 PM <•barredowl> okay, so just from a practical perspective: 1:02 PM > Participants: Universe A: Site director Adam Townsend, Researcher Lina Dowell and SCP-XXXX. Universe B: Site director Katelyn Hurst and Researcher Joseph Noble. 1:02 PM just denoting that each of the participants up here are from their respective universes, without really denoting anything in the interview itself, could be a problem 1:03 PM since like, to get the story a lot of the times, you'd have to scroll up. 1:03 PM ohh 1:03 PM <•barredowl> not a huge problem, though 1:03 PM might just be me having a bad memory 1:04 PM > technicly 1:04 PM technically 1:04 PM ah 1:04 PM erh 1:04 PM <•barredowl> > cirka 10 seconds 1:04 PM cirka --> circa 1:05 PM also, i'm not sure if "circa" is the right word to use here 1:05 PM since circa is typically used for like, years 1:05 PM i'd say "about" or "approximately" 1:05 PM > Towndsend 1:05 PM Townsend 1:08 PM > Yes absolutely 1:08 PM "Yes, absolutely" 1:09 PM > and here too explain our reasoning 1:09 PM "too" -> "to" 1:10 PM alright, finished. give me a couple to collate my thoughts. 1:10 PM ⇐ Space_Kaiser quit (~cgiirc@synIRC-FF0AEF95.ftmy.qwest.net) Quit: CGI:IRC 1:13 PM <•barredowl> so structurally, this seems kinda weird. the interview feels like it's shaping for a more personal look into SCP-XXXX and how this has affected him, what with seeing his reaction to being in this new world, then the narrative distances itself from them and launches more into the agreements made with the other universe, and then at the end it wraps back around to focusing personally on SCP-XXXX 1:13 PM oh ok 1:14 PM <•barredowl> you basically introduce this whole agreement thing in the latter half of the story, fairly out of nowhere, and it doesn't feel naturally connected to what precedes it. and then at the end, you just drop it and go instead for a note at the end, which personally, doesn't feel satisfying. 1:15 PM it's also a bit strange how the end also focuses on this, completely unrelated character to tell what happened afterwards, and to sort of say why this anomaly is so important. however, since i didn't really get to see much of them aside from the first log, i don't feel any gravitas knowing how important SCP-XXXX is. 1:16 PM i think here this would benefit from trying to run with one idea and sticking with it, trying to form a natural conclusion out of it instead of finishing it off with a disruptive note at the end. 1:17 PM you've got two angles you've set down here - the interuniversal agreement between universe A and B, and the possibilities that that could explore, or the more personal side w/ SCP-XXXX, and the possibilities that /that/ can explore. 1:17 PM as of now, i don't feel you've properly developed either. 1:17 PM ok 1:18 PM <•barredowl> you should also think about remaining consistent, too. this draft feels a little cluttered since there are so many ideas you're setting down here, none of which truly resolve at the end. it's just... a note which tops this thing off. 1:19 PM even if you're planning to focus on both the agreement and SCP-XXXX's more personal side, try to make the transition between the two feel a bit natural. because here, those two parts of the article feel like completely different ideas. 1:20 PM Do you think I can have it more focused on SCP-XXXX and have the arangements between universe A and B be more in the background but still happening? 1:20 PM <•barredowl> as of now, this feels like it needs a lot of work structurally. there's also a lot of problems with general clinical tone, which i think need some sorting out. 1:21 PM Aurvitmar: i think that might work. you start off the article with us learning about SCP-XXXX's personal life, so it would feel natural to focus on that primarily. 1:22 PM And I can maybe have it more focused on his reactions to whats happening 1:22 PM <•barredowl> sorta. i think it'd also be worth like, developing this character and seeing what they're like, so that it feels a bit more earned when we learn how big a deal they are. 1:23 PM ⇐ Veralta quit (uid435847@synIRC-2ED3AE0C.stonehaven.irccloud.com) Quit: Connection closed for inactivity 1:24 PM Do you have any tips on good ways to explore the character more other than interviews? 1:24 PM <•barredowl> hmm. 1:29 PM → PJSmylie joined (~cgiirc@synIRC-C82C522D.gv.shawcable.net) 1:29 PM <•barredowl> see, i'm not 100% sure, honestly. i think this seems like an idea which'd benefit from a lot of interview logs here, though you could definitely include some testing logs or researcher notes, maybe, to characterize SCP-XXXX otherwise 1:29 PM hmm ok 1:29 PM ⇐ •UraniumEmpire quit (~uraniumem@A465D948:8C1849D9:C0EC8685:IP) Ping timeout: 186 seconds 1:31 PM <•barredowl> ultimately, i think that this needs some restructuring. the narrative feels a bit incomplete and jumbled at the moment, and there are a lot of ideas you're laying down but aren't fully exploring. 1:31 PM OOh I could maybe follow him in his research and have the occasional interview 1:31 PM <•barredowl> that might work for what you're going here 1:32 PM And then have it all work towards the dilemma 1:32 PM destroying the other universe or not 1:32 PM and put it in his hands 1:32 PM <•barredowl> mm, yeah 1:33 PM → •UraniumEmpire (opped) and gumbal1 joined 1:35 PM <•barredowl> it might be worth thinking about how this all coalesces into one collective narrative w/ a beginning, middle, and end though. like, think about how this narrative will transpire, so that you can properly focus and develop one cohesive story. 1:35 PM okay 1:35 PM <•barredowl> anyway, i think that's it from me. do you have any remaining questions? 1:36 PM Uhm do you have an example of an scp done right with research notes? 1:36 PM <•barredowl> let me think. 1:36 PM ⇐ •UraniumEmpire and Mars quit ↔ gumbal1 nipped out 1:42 PM <•barredowl> no particular examples are coming to me right now; 3450 has research notes, but it might not be as extensive as it could be to use as an example 1:42 PM SCP-3450 1:42 PM <•Secretary_Helen> barredowl: SCP-3450: OC DO NOT STEAL (Rating: +376. Written 3 years ago By: Relevart) - http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3450 1:42 PM thank you 1:42 PM and thank you for the crit 1:42 PM <•barredowl> alright. thank you for your time.