# Pastebin etPV0WEK 11:23 AM <~barredowl> alright then, so. shall we begin with our first impressions? 11:23 AM → DrMoned joined (uid421433@temporal.dreaming.bubble) 11:24 AM <+cybersqyd> sure 11:24 AM <~barredowl> i was, admittedly, a little disoriented by the use of the factory goi format, seeing as i'm not really familiar with the format 11:24 AM <+cybersqyd> I like this 11:24 AM <~barredowl> so i didn't really ingest a lot of the information set up in the tables, unfortunately. 11:24 AM <+cybersqyd> there's something delightfully sinister about it 11:24 AM <+cybersqyd> and like, the casualness of chapell working with the factory 11:25 AM <~barredowl> yeah, i can see that; and i quite enjoyed the premise and how it was executed 11:25 AM <+cybersqyd> but yeah the actual format of the factory goi-formats is...not ideal 11:25 AM Tbh I keep getting thrown off with these pieces and their offsets but then again I don't mind so long as I get a good read from this. The Factory format I adore because its very unique and different and especially with the different reactions of the Spirit's members meeting the Factory Foreman 11:25 AM <+cybersqyd> the monospace is a touch hard to read 11:25 AM <+cybersqyd> and the layout isn't that intuitive 11:26 AM This article reveals its main question -- what is happening within the barrels that Richard Chappell doesn't want anyone to know about? -- way too early. Like, to the point where I didn't know what the purpose of the second iteration was. I agree with Cyber that there is a delightful kind of black calmness to the second iteration, but again, I don't know why it's there besides just adding more content as to the overall 11:26 AM structure of these barrels, which isn't a necessary part of the story. 11:26 AM <~barredowl> can definitely see that, yeah 11:26 AM <+cybersqyd> Yeah; the second half feels...narratively less important but I think it does some really nice characterisation? 11:28 AM <~barredowl> hmm. seeing as i didn't really ingest a lot of the information, i don't know how to add on that. 11:29 AM <+cybersqyd> I'm...generally a fan of the serpents hand style discussion footnotes but there's something about them here that feels grating 11:29 AM Right, but the characterization here is very lacking. Chappell's dialogue is limited to giving exposition, saying one-liners, and swearing. It doesn't do anything to break out of the mold of a mob boss besides showing him as polite. 11:30 AM <+cybersqyd> Eh, I like the contrast that gives between Chappell and McGallan though; where Chappell is cold and collected; and McGallan is absolutely shocked by it all 11:31 AM <~barredowl> looking back on it, yeah, there are a lot of fun character moments here and there 11:31 AM I mean, Chappell's portrayal in the Factory format is quite nice cause he's seen it all and is already used to the Factory and their on-goings. Where as cybersqyd said, McGallan's reactions are neat to it... and then the delivery driver seeing the Foreman in their natural state made me have a bit of a chuckle 11:33 AM <~barredowl> hm. 11:33 AM On a superficial level, yeah, I would agree with you that they kind of act like foils for one another, but it doesn't really show that dynamic. The voices of both characters are very similar: constantly swearing, talking in a stereotypically cool way, and being very assertive. This is more so a problem with Chappell, to the point where there are lines in here that I felt would be much better suited for McGallan. 11:33 AM > Chicago Spirit Organization Leader, Richard Chappell: What, are you kidding? I came here looking to fix your shit, not to sight-see. 11:33 AM Especially this one. 11:34 AM <+cybersqyd> Ehh; I think that works as an example of Chappell not being particularly interested in what's happening here and just being all business 11:35 AM Mhm, I think that shows that Chappell knows what's going on and just wants something from this time - his payment or working products 11:36 AM Well, there's being all business and then there's saying "I came here looking to fix your shit". It's less of a problem with that line particularly, but moreso with the fact that it exists alongside lines like "Chicago Spirit Organization Leader, Richard Chappell: I never told you my name." which depict a much more calm and collected Chappell. Throw these two right next to each other and the whole thing just feels like 11:36 AM a flip-floppy mess of a character. 11:36 AM <+cybersqyd> mm I guess yeah 11:37 AM <~barredowl> so, i don't really have anything to add, unfortunately. sorry :/ 11:38 AM <~barredowl> seeing as this just completely slid by me. 11:38 AM <+cybersqyd> I don't really have more to add, I think 11:38 AM You felt indifferent towards it or was it just fine? 11:38 AM <~barredowl> i mean, i'm kinda indifferent myself, but i kinda glazed over most of it. 11:40 AM <~barredowl> anyone else have any concluding thoughts? 11:40 AM Nope! I enjoyed this, although it could do with a tiny bit of reworking BUT I had an enjoyable experience so +1 11:41 AM I kind of felt the same way during the second iteration. A lot of things just happen with no apparent reason besides they're somewhat interesting things that would realistically pop up in this situation. That, combined with the formatting of the second iteration, really takes me out of the story and reminds me constantly that I'm reading something. 11:41 AM Back and it was good, so upvote. 11:41 AM (yeah, I was eating dinner ^^') 11:43 AM <~barredowl> so then, y'all think we should take a 5 minute break before jumping into 4256? 11:43 AM This entire thing read like one of those Sunday-morning cartoons where all of the good stuff was saved for yesterday, so now you're just left with the B-versions of everything. The climax is way too early and it leaves the rest of the article in this wasteland where there's no conflict, no tension, and no arc for the characters. This is a hard downvote from me.