# Pastebin RRTRZDT2
12:15 AM <LittleFieryOne> Here ya go, first tab http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/littlefieryone
12:15 AM <•barredowl> > 
If a request is received, agents are to track the source, interrogate, and amnesticize the sender
12:16 AM the last two clauses feel a bit wonky here: i think what's wrong here is that the verb in the middle is on its own, and the noun it's referencing doesn't feel naturally connected to the verb in question
12:16 AM <LittleFieryOne> Gotcha
12:17 AM <•barredowl> like, "interrogate and amnesticize the sender" is one complete thought; it doesn't feel natural segmented like this
12:18 AM <LittleFieryOne> Okay, I think I can fix that.
12:18 AM <•DrFullham> I think if you replace "sender" with "source" and get rid of "the source" it reads better
12:18 AM "Agents are to locate, interrogate,  and amnesticize the source"
12:18 AM <•barredowl> yeah: i'd take that suggestion, ultimately
12:19 AM <LittleFieryOne> DrFullham, Will do
12:19 AM <•barredowl> > 
Little Munchkin Inc
12:19 AM should have a dot after "Inc"
12:19 AM <•DrFullham> and a comma after munchkin
12:20 AM I think?
12:20 AM <•barredowl> it can really go either way
12:20 AM it's ultimately a stylistic decision
12:20 AM <LittleFieryOne> Alright
12:21 AM ⇐ red3 quit (uid433405@synIRC-19727E51.charlton.irccloud.com) Quit: Connection closed for inactivity
12:24 AM <•barredowl> > 
We were exchanging gifts, and for a few years now for my gift to the crowd has been my daughter singing "Silent Night" for everyone. 
12:24 AM the for in this sentence between "now" and "my" feels extraneous
12:24 AM <LittleFieryOne> Ah. That was an editing error, my bad.
12:26 AM <•barredowl> hmm.
12:26 AM i've finished: give me a couple to collate my thoughts.
12:26 AM <LittleFieryOne> No worries
12:30 AM <•barredowl> ultimately, i sorta like this concept, and think that the bit at the end is a fitting gut-punch. i do, however, have worries that this might come across a bit... tactless in describing this emotionally abusive parent who wants their daughter to be perfect
12:31 AM → Meska and Ketchy joined  
12:31 AM <•barredowl> i think you handle this with some respect, but it could very easily slide into needlessly uncomfortable territory
12:32 AM <LittleFieryOne> I see. I was going more for negligent than abusive, though the two come close. I less imagine the parent as someone who forces their child to be perfect and more someone who thinks their child would always be perfect. But I see your point.
12:32 AM <•barredowl> yeah, that's what i was thinking too
12:33 AM i'm not really a sufferer of abuse, though, so i can't offer perspective as to whether this utilizes this as a cheap mechanism or not
12:33 AM or negligence for that matter
12:33 AM it's a tough balance to strike, really
12:34 AM i think from an outsider's perspective, this does a good job at building tension, but whether this feels justified in depicting negligence and abuse like this well is, really, not something i can judge
12:34 AM <LittleFieryOne> I gotcha. I'll keep this in mind going forward.
12:35 AM <•barredowl> i'm... ultimately unsure about this overall. it did make me feel a bit queasy, but i suppose that's the point. how much of that is really earned, though, i'm tentative about
12:36 AM but yeah, do get second opinions on this. i don't really have a lot to say about this piece, other than above.
12:36 AM <•Calibri_Bold> MalyceSleeps: I have other methods of ban evasion.
12:36 AM <LittleFieryOne> Alright, sounds good. I'll pursue more crit down the line.
12:36 AM Thanks so much for reading!
12:36 AM <•barredowl> no problem, hope this helps