{"body":"11:19 AM <%red3> Alright. Well, while we're waiting, let's get out initial thoughts out on this article so that we don't lose them. What did y'all think of this?\r\n11:20 AM Honestly I love the opening with Bowe and the Overseer discussing about the Foundation and their operations\r\n11:20 AM <+cybersqyd> it kinda feels disconnected a little cos of that though; like it's really two tales shoved together as one\r\n11:21 AM Mhm, I fear that is something that could be the breaking point for this tale\r\n11:21 AM <%red3> Mhm. The very opening paragraphs worked very well for me when it came to characterizing Bowe. It shows that he doesn't care about being right, he just cares about winning the battle no matter which side he's on. The dialogue resorts to less cliches than the last few tales, so that's a plus. That doesn't mean that it's entirely free of them though.\r\n11:22 AM Finished\r\n11:22 AM <+cybersqyd> yeah i can see that\r\n11:22 AM <+cybersqyd> not really a fan of them describing a confederate soldier as brave but that's relatively minor\r\n11:22 AM <%red3> But I do agree that the transition between the first and second sections was very poor. If there was a line or two that talked about the response to the agents that are going into Yellowstone currently, then it would work a lot better. Right now, it just seems like the conversation ends on one note and then shifts to a second one for no discernible reason.\r\n11:23 AM I liked \"And now, within the last twelve hours, things had gone to shit.\" as a single line\r\n11:23 AM <+cybersqyd> yeah\r\n11:23 AM <+cybersqyd> there's a lot of little points which are nice\r\n11:23 AM Of course, but it is more original than the last tales. Plus Bowe's character is quite an intriguing character\r\n11:23 AM <+cybersqyd> but idk. it doesn't really all come together nicely; it feels...very much like a book chapter over a standalone tale\r\n11:24 AM I agree it doesnt come together hugely well. But I think it does somewhat stand alone\r\n11:24 AM <%red3> Yeah, but it is a part in a greater series. Isn't that a good thing, then? It's not repeating information so the pacing isn't damaged.\r\n11:24 AM I would say you dont need requisite info for this at all. The characterisation from before helps, but isnt needed\r\n11:25 AM *previous info\r\n11:25 AM I feel like the Bowe expostion could probably have benefitted in the ending/epilogue rather than midway through this whole incident\r\n11:25 AM <+cybersqyd> red3, on the one hand, sure; on the other hand, it also doesn't really end in a satisfying way\r\n11:26 AM <%red3> BlueJones: I somewhat disagree with that, since putting it at the end implies that there's more story here than it lets on. It'll give the wrong impression to the reader, I feel like.\r\n11:26 AM <+cybersqyd> yeah; I think it'd have done better as like, a separate piece\r\n11:26 AM <+cybersqyd> maybe like, alternating parts deal with the soldiers and the general kinda feel\r\n11:27 AM <%red3> cybersqyd: How so? It sets up a large battle between Cain, the MTF members, and the large beast and introduces Cain as a potential villain (or at least as an important character).\r\n11:27 AM <+cybersqyd> I mean yeah it does setup up stuff\r\n11:27 AM <+cybersqyd> but it means there's no closure here?\r\n11:27 AM <+cybersqyd> cos like, everything is just like 'and to see how this is resolved, read on!'\r\n11:27 AM <+cybersqyd> Which like, isn't bad for a tale that's part of a series\r\n11:29 AM <%red3> Yeah, I agree.\r\n11:29 AM In regards to the current conflict, with Able, Cain, and MTF Omega-7 members, it is more tense than the last part imo\r\n11:31 AM <%red3> I agree somewhat. The conversation with Cain felt like it was really, really trying to set up something mysterious with how vague Cain was being about everything, but I can understand it. It tries to evoke a sense of tension by not explaining exactly what the members have to do, but implying that it'll most likely be a suicide mission.\r\n11:33 AM Mhm, Cain is quite a unique character in this case. Considering he is a part of the Task Force and yet he is being very vague about what to do next. It implies he's got an alternative motive with his co-operation\r\n11:34 AM <%red3> One problem I had with the action scenes in particular was the lack of good imagery. There were a few good metaphors like the one with the pendulum, but there was virtually no descriptions of the setting that the characters are inhabiting. I couldn't tell what feeling I was supposed to be feeling in that moment. Claustrophobia? The fear of hundreds of massive, pitch-black hallways surrounding me? I'm stuck in this weird \r\n11:34 AM <%red3> limbo where I'm not fulfilled but I am intrigued.\r\n11:35 AM <+cybersqyd> it feels very...detached yeah\r\n11:36 AM It is an unusual style, I agree\r\n11:37 AM <%red3> Are there any other thoughts on this article?\r\n11:38 AM Nope, liked the Bowe/Overseer discussion, the action is slowly picking up and Cain is being vague, and I dig it. So I'd give this a medium +1\r\n11:39 AM <%red3> This is a slight upvote from me considering that I enjoyed the writing and the few good one-liners that were in there. The ending sentence was also very well done.\r\n","name":"Incident Zero - Part 3","extension":"txt","url":"https://www.irccloud.com/pastebin/tlO7R2UZ/Incident+Zero+-+Part+3","modified":1594060889,"id":"tlO7R2UZ","size":5318,"lines":39,"own_paste":false,"theme":"","date":1594060889}