{"body":"---- INTROS ----\n\nHello Portlands! Begin the day with a friendly voice, here on the Foghorn.\nHappy holidays, Portlands!  'Tis the season to listen to the Foghorn.\n\n\n---- STATION ID ----\n\nThree Portland's own public radio station, entirely unaffiliated with NPR following the //incident//.\nYour local public radio in Three Portlands. And only in Three Portlands. If you are hearing this outside of Three Portlands, something has gone terribly wrong.\nPublic radio for Three Portlands, bringing you local news and culture whether we want to or not.\nThree Portlands' public radio, now broadcasting from within your own head.\nThree Portlands please send help, I'm trapped in a public radio station.\nThe number one radio station in Three Portlands, as rated by a survey of local public radio personnel.\nProbably a public radio station in Three Portlands, but don't quote me on that.\n[Numbers.]\n\n\n---- NEWS IDEAS ----\n\nRogue scrap golem escapes from the Reconstruction\nMinor reality restructuring event in the periphery results in 5 Ways collapsing, several injuries\nAnderson Robotics breaks ground on new expansion, despite the disappearance of CEO Vincent Anderson and the death of COO Albert Frostman\nCity telecom provider Asterism Communications partners with the Church of Maxwellism to add 7 more Aethernet relays throughout Three Portlands\nCity alderman and prominent anartist accused of plaigarism\nCity council proposes new regulations on public exploiting\n4th biannual intercollegiate occult games between ICSUT and Alexylva\nShapeshifting identity thief finally caught\nPublic hearing to discuss new zoning measures meant to take advantage of unused spatial dimensions\nMayor unilaterally raises fines for serial littering\nPublic park spontaneously gains a duck pond, complete with live rubber ducks\nRubber snapping turtles appear in public park and begin preying on the rubber duck population\nCity cemetery not haunted enough, according to reputable parapsychologists\nFeral gelatinous blob population continues to grow physically larger, despite shrinking numbers due to animal control programs\nFirst snowfall of the winter brings a wave of animate snowman attacks\nAngry poltergeists unleashed after shipment of Ghostlights shatters\nFestivus pole outside City Hall catches fire for the third year in a row\nTime travelling retrorock band \"A Time After Then\" performs their farewell tour 50 years before their formation\nLocal psychic arrested after assaulting acquaintance with a swarm of bees\nSenior prank at ICSUT causes rains of iced coffee over a five block radius\nFederal court rules that Saker androids do not qualify as legal persons, and therefore cannot possess US citizenship\nUIU arrests 14 on charges of smuggling and selling illegal demonarcotics\n\"Siberian Zeitgeists\", latest painting by famous Portlands anartist B. Vlandersloon, sells for 1.5 million dollars at auction\nManna Charitable Foundation receives anonymous donation of 1.4 million dollars\nAnnual Portlands Unity parade gets lost en route to City Hall, delays festivities by two hours\nHistoric Limelight Hotel nears deconceptualization\n50th anniversary celebrations of J. Edgar Hoover's death draw protest from UIU; City council responds with a faxed image of an obscene gesture\nVincent Anderon still missing, despite rumors of his reappearance\nPermanent population reaches a record high, as fears of a new occult war grow\nMayor expands city limits in preparation for additional housing\nRosewater District placed under quaratine as St. Hedwig's Hospital is overwhelmed by cases of memetic cold\nAlderman Steven McClure loses re-election bid to his clone, Stephen McClure\nCity council approves petition to convert Immemorial Fountain into a chocolate fondue fountain; new partisan divide forms over the question of milk or dark chocolate\nChocolate fountain proposal indefinitely suspended after white chocolate supporters refuse to vote, preventing quorum\nAnnual hat contest ends in tragedy; 3 reported dead following catastrophic headgear failure\nGolemancy United goes on strike, golems continue working regardless\nUIU arrests leaders of GU strike after they begin smashing police golems\nUnseasonal Festivus pole materializes outside City Hall, promptly catches fire\nLocal citizen succeeds in punching someone through the Internet\n\n\n---- AD IDEAS ----\n\nManna Charitable Foundation pledge drive\nUIU recruiment campaign\nAnderson Robotics advertisement\nSave the unicorns campaign\n\n\n---- NOTES ----\n\n[United States Domestic Security Protection Court rules that Saker androids do not, by default, qualify as legal persons, and therefore cannot possess US citizenship, in the process creating the Caldwell test as a legal standard for personhood: \"In regards to the individual, the appearance of sapience is insufficient in determining personhood; rather, it is the ability to evolve beyond the constraints of the mind's initial parameters, to act outside or even against pre-programmed directives and instinctive desires, which must be considered when asking if an artificial being can be considered a person in their own right.\"]","name":"","extension":"txt","url":"https://www.irccloud.com/pastebin/gobopjjB","modified":1547770989,"id":"gobopjjB","size":5097,"lines":72,"own_paste":false,"theme":"","date":1547770989}